“If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become the truth for you”. Louise Hay
One of the things that I really enjoy the most about coaching is the opportunity to help another person learn something about themselves that maybe they had not recognised they did or believed was the truth.
These beliefs usually surface when we are discussing what is ‘really’ holding them back from getting something done or doing something different or even from seeing something as a negative that maybe isn’t a negative after all. I call these ‘limiting beliefs’ and in many cases they have been in place since childhood. I know, I have had to deal with many myself.
Let me share a few I have had to deal with over the years:
‘I don’t have enough time’. The one of the hardest ones I have had to deal with so far. I used to fill my life up with so many things that it felt like there was not enough time to get anything done well (to my perfectionist standard that was). I was hating life, never having time for myself or to have the choice to use my time on what was important to me.
I never stopped long enough to think about how I was using my time, I just kept going and going. Then I had a car accident. I was stopped, In hospital and I had time to reflect on life. I realised I actually had control over what I said ‘yes’ to and it was important to say ‘no’ in order to have the time to do what was important, well.
‘I don’t want people to think I am a failure’. Failing at something was never an option for me. I believed that I could keep going and tell everyone all was good, but underneath, I was struggling and I didn’t want anyone to know about it. Life was hard.
This has been in business and in life, sometimes at the same time and has stopped me from asking for help, as I just didn’t want anyone to think I was a failure! I learned two things from overcoming this limiting belief that I have to share with you.
Firstly, the best way to learn is to fail. To acknowledge the failure and look for the lessons on why it happened and how I could do it better next time has worked for me. Sharing the failure with others is also good as they can then share their learnings and so you get double the benefit.
Sharing my failure with others has been hard, as it has made me feel really vulnerable and incredibly uncomfortable to do so, but if I can ‘lean in’ through these feelings, the deeper connections I can have with others is really rewarding.
My second lesson was people want to help. When I don’t ask for help when I am failing, not only is it more painful, I am actually distancing myself from the people who matter to me. They feel cheated of the chance to help me. To fix things and that is not fair. I can’t win all the time and neither do I want to, is now my belief.
This week I had a friend share with me a limiting belief they saw in me that they believed was not serving me and I am so grateful they took the time to tell me. This belief is that ‘business is so much harder for me, because I am a female’.
I first started my business in 2002 as a 25 year old small blond female. My first clients were middle aged corporate men who would put both hands behind their head in initial meetings with me and say things like, ‘so tell me, what value can you add to my business’.
I thought then, I bet no man has had to deal with this. It gave me determination in those early years that I would prove my value, and I did. My business grew and we did great work for these clients. But in the process I became very manly! I had cut my hair short, I only wore black and only pant suits and I even drove a loud manual dark blue Fiat that really stood out (and was very masculine). I had confidence, I could take on anyone and it was serving me….
But that was not who I really was. Where had my feminine energy gone? I was so business like, I lacked empathy. I didn’t like this hard person I was becoming. So I grew my hair again and wore colours, skirts and even beads! I was still successful at winning work, business men gave me their respect and I thought I had over come this limiting belief. But as Mark pointed out to me yesterday, I haven’t!
As I have continued to keep pushing my comfort zone and try new things and approaches with new audience types, I have been feeling challenged. He caught me using language like ‘if I was a man, I would convert easier’. ‘If I was a man, people would take me more seriously and trust my ability instantly’. ‘I don’t convert as many leads because I am a female, ‘I won’t get that opportunity as I will be overlooked, as I am a female’. He was right, my limiting belief had shown up again.
At the moment, I am feeling challenged by doing something new. It gave me a way out, a reason to not try as hard and that was not serving me.
I am not going to cut my hair short and start wearing black again, but I am going to be aware of how I am reacting to the situation and take note of the language I am using. Confidence is the key to overcoming this belief for me again. I know I can only feel confidence if I believe in myself and the difference I can make. Being a female is the benefit that I bring.
What are your clients limiting beliefs that your product or service can help with? These are all things to consider when marketing to them.
I love neuro marketing!
Belinda